Well social butterfly

May 17, 2014

I was listening to a local news and heard about a free app for neighborhoods! So I decided to set it up and and set the boundary for our neighborhood. Now in order to continue using the app you were required to have 15 signup. Well no problem that goal was attained. Moving along we continued to add neighbors 43. Low and behold I get an email from the software developers liaison stating we want to expand or change the boundary that I had set. Well I started this as a neighborhood so I sent a message out and the reply from the group was no. So I replied to the liaison saying we preferred to keep it as is and this was what my neighbors had decided. I get an email back with words like my hood, denying others and basically saying I was not playing fair! So I took the upper road and stated we like the software and were excited for future enhancements. In the mean time my neighbors took it and ran and met the goal. Just hope this free app doesn’t turn into a you will do as I say! If you say it is free and the requirements are met, don’t come back with oh and by the way!


Another day in paradise

May 15, 2014

Do you really know what tomorrow brings? A person, a man died at work this week. If I saw him I would probably recognise him but I would not know him. I really do not think many would. I stayed at my desk but I was a bit in shock how many people buzzed or hovered. All I thought was some where close but not with him were the people he loved who he would have wanted next to him. But acquaintances, coworkers not his wife or maybe children were not there. Much like my sister passed alone no one to hold her at the last breath. I wondered if he was sick did he push himself and struggle so he could keep food on the table, and sadly die trying? It is a sad day for this mans loved ones it is never easy grief, it is a lonely journey a long lonely journey. Read the rest of this entry »

Mothers day weekend

May 13, 2014

Whew! Meltdown! The memory happens and grief tore through me like a tornado! My Mom in heaven my son in heaven…. I miss my Mom so much. She was my hero my protector and my friend. Never under estimate the power of a woman especially my Mom. I had the opportunity to live in multiple worlds and I am certainly the better for it. We were not rich but I never knew that I had everything I could ever want. A safe home, roof over my head, food, clothing and family. My mom was the center of our world and she made sure we were ok. My son OH how I ache for his voice, his love… Un conditional that love between a child and a parent. He was awesome, kind, loving, giving and happy. I hate cancer and I truly believe that not enough is done to find a cure. He did have the opportunity to have children and they were the light of his short life. Chris was special and touched many and did not have a mean bone in his body. As I was raised by my Mom so was it handed down. Don’t judge, don’t hate and don’t harm others. Life is what we all have in common so if you live and treat people as you wish to be treated then let tomorrow follow. Guess I needed a good cry because the river did flow as my heart ached as I remembered my Mom and my only child both in God’s world now.

who would have thought

May 9, 2014

here i am… 50 years plus and still wondering why just like little kids, why? why? why? it has been probably 30 days or more that i learned my one and only son is dying… why? how? why? i have had a long journey with bends twists and turns. in 2002 i felt the full force of lost when my sister died suddenly.. why? i had friends of family of friends pass on went to funerals cried felt bad but all of a sudden i was on the other side and i felt like everything was gone taken. i would see a dead animal on the side of the road and wondered living dead alive dead was there something else was there life after death was God there? it took a toll and took me over a year to get some sense of stability. i reflected my son had been diagnosed with hodgkins and i cried and prayed and cried some more. he went through the chemo the radiation and we thought he had beaten it. gosh you know it is 90% cure rate yeah right. i was in my honeymoon period he was feeling well and all was well then i got the shit slapped out of me when my older sister died. moving forward my son found someone married and his job was transferred to az. they had a son chemo did not make him sterile. life is good again right!!! well my older brother is diagnosed with colon cancer. well guess what yep he passed once again the hurt the pain the questions why? God are you there can you hear me? moving along my son’s wife is pregnate again wonderful news except within one week of that news can you guess no? well hodgkins is back geez we need to do a bone marrow transplant. good news it is not in his bones so his stem cells can be used less risk faster recovery. he went through hell i had no idea how sick he could get. the fighter kicked butt and was back and feeling great for a few months anyway then guess what it is back. well we need a second transplant from a donor. before he goes in for the second transplant his wife gives birth to another beautiful baby. now we just need my son to get well heal. pray cry pray cry hope pray. in between the first transplant and the secound transplant my dad falls and breaks his hip. so my mother and i are in the emergency room waiting for him to get a room and then follow the aide pushing the grunnie to his room. my mom is moving slower than usual but we get to his room and all is fine except my mom has the nurse take her blood pressure and yep she is having a heart attack. good place to be if you are going to have one. so now my dad is in his room and now my mom also has a room. dad gets his hip operated on mom is put on meds dad has to go to a nursing home for rehab. moving along after 2 weeks in the nursing home i get a call we are so sorry but your dad just passed away.  really really how? why?  hello God can you hear me? get my sone back home to IN and quickly learn about host vs graf.  his eyes, his skin and never dreamt but now his lungs.  and the words the words the words i dont want to hear it but they say them and i dont want to hear them nope dont want to hear it.  your son is dying he has maybe months to live why?  xanax zoloft wellbutrin paxil truthfully none of them work i can still feel.  now i get a build up and feel like i have a ball in my throat at times.  tears flow thoughts thinking praying hoping.  i tried the whole there are people who have it worst than me the whole look at what you have it could be far worst.  well that does not work and did not make  me feel any better.  i hurt i feel broken and lost. geez these are the hightlights there is so much i could write about what is going how i feel and what a whinner i am. now i just hope and pray everyday everynight everyminute for God to please help my son.


May 9, 2014

I don’t understand how 300 girls are kidnapped with the intend to sell them! Are there any fathers among these idiots? Do they not have emotions? How can you do this? I am about peace and no war but this is enough to pick up a gun, stick or straight jackets! I would like to capture the kidnappers and have them face the same terror! I hope and pray for these children and hope and pray the kidnappers are caught and punished! It makes me angry and sad!

Sunday repeat

May 4, 2014

Well time to start the week again sigh… My favorite weekends are grandkid weekends. It is an hour drive to get them and a hour back. It is the hour spent talking to them and discovering bits and pieces. The ride back was grand kids doing a snow job on the old lady! They were both giving the best grannnie ever, how much they loved me, and how I wasnt old gosh I had to only be 32. I asked if they remembered their Dad and both said yes : ). Not to be a Debbie downer I changed to the universe and how we have no idea where it begins or where it ends. How in the world does earth float? How it seems a circle is something in common in our universe. Of course I was corrected that planets are spheres. From there we got on the subject of green beans. Well, I told them I made world renoun green beans, best ever! Then of course there are my world renoun rolls! Both were sure I was wrong but I stood my ground on the 2 items that are my best.
All in all great times with them and lightly touching the subject of their Dad 🙂 Miss my boy wish he could be here. At this point I have been in Ethan and Olivias life longer than he was. Makes me sad. Well… Whatever

Yes Friday!

May 2, 2014

Been a very long week! What does Friday mean to me? Time off work, sleeping in, grand kids and relaxing! Work is over rated to say the least! There was a time I would give it my all and some how it dominated my life. I realized it too late and could kick myself in the ass for sure! Held a job for 30 years and they got my all and I got a poorly ran company that went out of buisness! Woo hoo! What a waste! It is amazing how wrapped up we get in work and stressed out only to find out it did not really matter. Did not change the world now did it.  It provided a pay check which allowed me to take care of myself and my son, guess that is something. But in exchange I was on call 24 hrs  carrying the old fashion beeper. Beep me and like a robot I will respond. Someone call in sick ok, got it covered. Now I prefer to go to a job and complete all task clock out and leave it there. How many people bust their butts and then get laid off? How much do CEOS make again? Yep if you are reading this stop killing yourself, be responsible, yes get a job but don’t live to work, live to love, live to laugh, live to make others smile! 

We finally told the kids

May 2, 2014

Hmm! So I was thinking of blogging something light maybe funny. So I am pretty new to this and my son had blogged. Well looking around on the page. My eye caught the title “we finally told the kids” ? Let me share it with you a blog post from a young man who knew he was dying.  This is my son who wrote the following:

We finally told the kids.
As the title says we finally told the kids what is going on with me. Obviously, Ethan knows I am sick and Olivia is just too young to understand some things, but we never mentioned to them that I was dying.

Ethan took it very hard and started crying and Olivia just grabbed my arm and hugged. For me seeing my children in pain is the most painful thing I have ever been through. Chemo and transplants and everything else that I have been through physically could never amount to the pain I have felt to see my children suffer because of this.

I don’t know if I am just a manic depressive person or just going crazy, but I still see the good in things, and still have hope that I will be around a little while longer with my family.

Ethan has been amazing the last few days. He seems to be dealing with this as best he can in his own way. Anyone that comes over he asks if they know if his Daddy is dying. He means no harm and is just asking them a straight forward question. I have to admit it stings a bit to hear things like this come out of your son’s mouth, but Heather and I talked about it and it is just his way of coping with it. He does talk to me about Heaven and has questions, and I am as honest with what I know with him as I can be.

Ethan has asked if I can take an xbox with me so I could play video games in Heaven. He even said I can borrow some of his games if I want! He tells me he loves me everyday and has been helping me and Heather so much. Ethan and Olivia are my Angel babies!

I actually have a good piece of news to end with though! The house that we have been trying to get bought and moved into looks like a go! The realtor that owns it has been working really well, as far as I know, with Jim and Cindi! So, hopefully in the next month or so we will be in a new home and won’t have to move again anytime soon! We are all very excited about getting moved in and settled, just not about the physical moving part of it, yuck. That is no joke for me, I really wish that I could help move stuff, but unfortunately I will just be moving myself there. And for everyone that has been asking if there is anything they can do to help, there is. Since we will be moving soon any gift certificates to fast food places would be most appreciated. McDonald’s, Burger King, etc. With so much for everyone to do it will be tiring for anyone to have to keep cooking dinner through all of this and would definitely help the family out!

Also, I am almost completely over my cold or start of pneumonia, my lungs are almost completely clear again according to the nurse this week!

I hope this all made sense, it is pretty late and I am pretty tired, but sometimes I have trouble falling asleep. It’s that whole fear of not waking up I think !

Talk to you soon,



The world news

May 1, 2014

I am a news junky, I look at world news and US news.  Do you ever look at the headlines and simply say no ” this is too horrible”  I just don’t want to read it or see it.

women kidnapped from a school in Nigeria are being forced to marry

Nine immigrants have died among around 300 abandoned by smugglers

prospect of selling an Ebola drug to a relatively small number of poor Africans (or to a handful of NGOs) is not an enticing enough financial incentive.

The above is what I mean. It goes on and on… How, why and have you heard about it? I have no answers but it appears that NO ONE with any power or government does either.  There is so much suffering while supplies are either stolen or sit in warehouses never getting to those who need it.

It is amazing how we can build massive buildings, fast cars, jets and go to Mars but we can not figure out how to help each other.

It just seems that there has to be a way, there has to be!


May 1, 2014

A mothers love is forever is forever it happens you lose your child sometimes your only child. Then the mind what a wonder it is, let’s you have moments. You go to sleep and that dream land in our brain creates a lucid time that you are reunited. Last night it was walking with Christopher, Ethan and Olivia. Looking at Christopher asking him if he was ok. This is not a sad post but sharing how amazing our brain is. So don’t need hugs or such just in awe of Gods work.